some weeks ago i met an old friend of mine who i hadn't met or even talked to for about 2 years. he called me, we talked nice on the phone like we used to, then he wanted to meet, i didn't have time, then he had to travel to moscow, and when he came back he insisted on meeting me. so we did, although i was pretty down after just having split with my boyfriend who i thought was the only right man for me until i realized that maybe he's not.
but i had thought that before, and also about this friend of mine. maybe i didn't think he was just as right, but back in the days i was crazily fascinated by him and i would have done everything for him and i wanted to be with him and spent my life, or at least parts of it with him. but he didn't think that way. so we stayed as friends and i tried to hide my suffering until it was over. and it worked.
so yes, we met and went to a vietnamese restaurant or thai or something else i usually don't like. and well, feeling very shit and being constantly at the edge of crying i just asked him what was new, and what happened in the last two years, mainly because i didn't want to talk about myself. and he waved his hands around my face and my eyes caught this not very spectacular looking silver ring. and i said: what? are you married now? and he said: yes. and then everything inside me just fell apart and i tried to keep my cool and do the poker face, hearing myself say: but it's not even gold. still hoping it was just one of his bad jokes.
later he told me he thought i would have been shocked to hear the news. and i told him i was. weirdly he didn't notice it, even though i absolutely felt my face burning and my heart racing. maybe i should become a professional poker player.
i'm still trying to feel happy for him apparently finally finding the girl who he can and really wants to be with. somehow i cannot though. i had talks about this situation with a friend before. she was getting depressed about seeing the guys who she'd wanted to be with and she only got to have a "thing" with or some other amazing sexual experiences, changing their facebook status' to "in a relationship with..." or "married". but would we be so depressed about it because our lives are shit at the moment? or because we're just always unhappy with what we have? or just because being the girl before the real girl came is not considered a silver medal? for me i think, the thing i feel the worst about is, that i cannot be happy for the other person, i hate being jealous and envy somebody else living the life i wanted to live. it makes me want to throw up twice, once for someone else being better than me and then for me feeling like that. and yes, all the envy, that's maybe because i don't know how to be happy with my own life. what i want the most, are the things i cannot have. or maybe i am not good enough being an jealous and negative person. maybe i just have not earned it yet. how is it all going to end?
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